April is the month of AtoZ challenge for bloggers. This time being all wised up, I decided not to take part in the challenge. After all, how could I blog every day except for the Sundays all through April, and keep up with the reading and interacting with fellow blogs?
The last time I participated in the AtoZ challenge was in 2015 April. From the beginning of this month, Facebook kept bringing up the memories of those posts I had shared three years ago. Every time I read those old posts, I thought to myself, “what the hell had I shared in the name of writing!” I remember that the challenge happened right when we traveled back to India from the UK and I was having a hard time to squeeze in writing and publishing due to the time constraints and the lack of stable internet connection. At the end of April 2015, I was happy and proud that I managed to survive the challenge despite the other challenges life offered. But never had I thought that one day I would read those posts only to think what nonsense had I written.
All I wanted to do after reading the posts each time was to go back in time and stop me from writing such half-baked lines. The consolation was the comments those posts bore from the readers, well, fellow bloggers. All those who commented were kind enough to leave positive and encouraging ones. Reading those comments three years later made my days, again!
This whole episode led me to think about what I have been doing in the recent months, or the lack of it, namely not writing. I have hardly written in March and April. It wasn’t the lack of ideas that stopped me from blogging. In fact, there are new posts getting added to the draft section every now and then. The reason those posts are not seeing a face other than mine is that I am absolutely certain that my writing is disastrous. Clearly, I can’t go back in time to April of 2015 to stop me from sharing those disastrous writings, but I am doing that at present. I have to write better. So I stopped writing altogether.
How fair is that? It’s one thing to be your own worst critic, but by not doing the work I love, aren’t I depriving myself of any chance to improve, not to mention the crushing-of-my-own-soul-little-by-little by judging the posts which I had written in the past with passion and affection. If I hadn’t written back then, if I had hesitated in publishing and succeeded in doing so, then what would have I missed? Those precious connections across the blogging world, those encouragements which nourished the writer in me, and of course, the happiness that I devoured when I reached the finishing line.
The whole point is to go on and do the work you love with passion, even if it might sound stupid to the world. Even if it might sound senseless and pointless to yourself. And it’s okay to make mistakes. We need those mistakes to learn from them. We can always improve by learning from those mistakes however embarrassing they are.
I need to accept that it’s okay that sometimes, perhaps all the time, my writings might sound stupid. And it’s okay. It should be okay to me at least.
The purpose is to improve every day. And in order to achieve that I should write every day. Who knows, maybe one day I would read my work and think that I wrote well!
Do you go through these bouts of self-doubt crippling you from inside out? What is your solution to overcome this monster and find your mojo back?