Today morning, while I and Kanna were on our way to his school, I saw a spectacular view. Gleaming rays of the sun, hidden behind the trees branching out in all directions. The leafless trees adorned with the orange hues shined as if it is a forgotten decoration. I couldn’t click the shot, but my mind captured that beautiful portrait completely, so much so that the sight made me happy instantly.
Now this is of utmost importance because I wasn’t feeling so much happy lately. I was feeling discouraged, devastated and disappointed. And I don’t know why. I am a fixer. I look for solutions and fix the problems, always. I don’t like whining and nagging. I don’t like it when I do that. I depend on me and get things done, most of the times. But then it so happened that I felt unhappiness so badly. I felt despair in ways I never knew before. My mind was doomed with the feelings of lost. That lost feeling is something we should avoid at any cost. It will suck the life out of even the most energetic soul. And I felt it, all of them for so many days. Plus this headache, bouncing the insides of my head like a toddler who is determined not to sleep.
All these happened, despite the presence of a loving husband and an adorable boy in my life. I tried to write in my gratitude journal, in the hope of seeing the positivities in my life to cheer me up. Even that seemed a routine. Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling grateful, at all. I know it is a terrible thing to say but trust me it is a terrible thing to feel that way. It was like hope was abandoning me. I am nothing without hope. I know that. I was getting a first-hand lesson on what I knew already. It was taxing. To think that I am the most positive person I ever knew felt like a joke. Yes, it’s true. I am annoyingly positive. I have amazed myself before with the ability in seeing positive even when surrounded with only negatives. And that I, couldn’t see a tinge of positive in any aspect.
I was sinking into the chaos cast by my own mind, maybe the other side of my mind and it was very painful. Painful because, I didn’t know how to deal with it. There are certain problems which cannot be solved. But the despair swallowed mind was adamant and refused to accept it. The desires and wishes which were set in the waiting list kept popping around, letting my mind slip into the depressed state further. It became that vicious circle which can’t be broken without a greater power. That power is called hope, abundance of hope. But I was losing it. I couldn’t see the ray hope hiding behind the mess that my mind crafted for me.
Today morning I got a glimpse of the state of my mind. I saw the rays of hope seething from behind. Some other day I would have taken the time to click the picture perfect scenery and shared it as another Wordless Wednesday picture. I would have marveled at nature’s creativity and the beauty she carries around. But today, nature did an even better work. It healed me. By posing that beautifully, symbolically, she told me to look beyond. She showed me that I have the ability to see what is beautiful even on not so good days. She helped me in bringing that smile out on my face without forcing me, without pointing out the pros and cons of being me.
Situations might get hard and hope helps in walking us through those hard times. That’s a choice whether to take the hand of hope or not, whether to face the hard times or not. But on days where mind gets numb, the option of choice isn’t available. Somedays we are left to deal with the torment of hopelessness and the agony of despair. To turn around those days into a good one is extremely hard, sometimes impossible. I talked to few of my friends, it helped a bit. Having someone who I can open up in times of misery, how much ever silly I felt about myself, how futile I was in expressing my hurt filled heart, is a blessing. Opening up without the fear of judgment had a soothing effect on my aching mind. Add to it the wonders of nature, it has a vibrant effect on me any day. All I had to do was to let go of me and get lost in the brilliance of nature and without even waiting, my lost heart found its way back. I should have known.
My head is still aching. But my heart is healing. Today I have learned that hope can choose to play hide and seek with us pushing the poor soul into a devastating state. Hanging in there is not easy. But then there will be those moments where we see the glimmer of hope in the most unpredictable situations. Hold on to it. Because the despair that lurked might be huge, but it can be erased by the littlest of hope. The joy of finding that glimmer of hope is beyond comparable. Trust me, I know it, I found it today.
It happens every day. We break down, we lose hope, we are not able to see anything positive happening, we find nothing to be grateful for and then one fine moment hope decides to engulf us in totality and we realise life is not vain. I am glad that you found your moment of hope today. You have a loving family. Not many people can even claim that. And you have friends, online and offline, to give you a patient read and offer positive thoughts. I am wishing away your headache.
Thanks Anamika! We all go through these mixed moments, right? The strength lies in not letting these moments of despair define us. I am glad that I found a trusting friend in you dear. Another thing to be happy about. 🙂
Sometimes, everything is indeed a downward spiral. But we do find hope in the most unexpected places. Sometimes, I look at the flowers of the weeds. Beautiful in its perfection, symmetry, color. No one even looks at it, no one wishes it to grow. Yet it strives for being perfect. Surely, we are better than weeds in life.
Glad to hear that you’re feeling better. I can quite identify with the feeling of helplessness that envelops us, sometimes with no identifiable reason. You’re doing well by listing out all the good things you have in your life – that’s where hope starts.
Happens often with me too! Everything just seems to be going wrong- basically a lot of negativity in one’s life. You are right about the feeling of being lost sucking out life from even the most active person. But nature has its own ways of making things better for us. We only have to observe. Hope you are feeling better now 🙂
The last two or so months have been difficult for me and for other family members. Adding to the fun is a painful condition that has flared up for me. But seems like I am reading blogs lately written by a lot of people looking for hope and beauty – I will hold on to the hope of beauty, because I know I am part of a blogging community that cares.
Don’t ever give up! I’m glad you found your rays of hope. Being with nature helps – its beauty reminds you of the wonderful creator behind it and reassures you of the goodness of things.I hope your spell of sadness goes away
Hugs,dear Vinitha. We all go through these phases, and I know right at this moment it might be difficult to see this, and might seem like a platitude to pacify you, but things can and will get better. Hang in there.
P.S. Anytime you need to talk/vent, I am a ping away. Take care, dearie. <3
Life is remarkable isn’t it? Everyone must have had their share of good days and worst days. Even when we know that hope is the best medicine, sometimes the mind refuses to clutch onto that nugget. To keep floating is the key. I mostly withdraw into a hibernative mode on such days. Hope has been successful in seeking me out as of now. So glad to hear that you are better. And if you are having migraine attacks, and if it has become debilitating, do start prophylactic medications.
Hai Vinitha,
Really your post inspired me to get hope in my life again….. Thanks…. 🙂
My dear Vini… (if I may) ..It happens, to the most positive of us. When you wrote here, about being annoyingly positive bit.. I could see me reflected in that statement. It is so true, that people have been annoyed with me for being that way at times 🙂 But hope prevails.. I guess, once in a while even the most positive of us bury ourselves with hopeless and worry, that is for balance.. it can’t be always the ups. But then since we always see the positive side we are sure to bounce back, like in your case the sun’s rays and the nature. It happens, it is a phase. I would say, heal completely if anything is nagging you.. and sometimes talking to a stranger helps more than friends, so stop by or email, my friends tell me I’m an excellent influence when negativity clouds their minds. Just love that phrase .. the headache like a toddler bouncing around.. lovely simile, ya. Sending lots of hugs and love your way. always around for anything, Ash
PS: Hadn’t seen you in a while liking my post, so hopped her to see what you were upto, and I see this post. the sun’s rays has just brought you back. hugs vini.. <3
Hugs Vinitha! This was so beautifully written, just what I needed today to find a little hope myself. We all go through such mixed emotion, not able to understand sometimes why or what is happening… But there’s always a sign, to tell us to keep moving… That this too shall pass.
Yes, this too shall pass. It is a relief to hear that everyone goes through such moments. 🙂 Thanks a lot Aditi. I am way better now. Writing and nature are my healers. 🙂