This happened last year, 2016 May. Though I wrote it, I couldn’t post this at that time because I was deeply affected. I was 5 months pregnant at that time. One year later, I still feel the same.
I’m not a Mother’s day person. I don’t wait eagerly for the arrival of this particular day to make me feel special nor do I take the time to wish my mother on this day. I talk to my mother almost every day. My son expresses his love for me through his words and his acts almost every day. I believe that every day is a Mother’s day for me, for every mother out there. Some days are way more special because of how it turns out to be, but that has nothing to do with the calendar date, not for me at least.
But this Mother’s day one of the forwarded messages that found its destination to my phone from my college WhatsApp group made me cry for all the wrong reasons. This message was intended as funny but it triggered a sea of emotional distress within me.
The message was
Congratulations to all the fathers who made Mother’s day possible! Happy Mother’s day!!
Are you wondering what is offensive in this? How and why in the world would someone cry over a funny message? How can anyone be hurt with these few words?
Before Kanna was born, there was a time when I and my husband found out that we were having our first baby. We rejoiced just like any happy couple would do. But soon I started having abdominal pain. It was so severe. Severe than any of the headaches I had dealt with in my life. Severe than the contractions I had endured 15 months later. Day and night I suffered this pain. On top of that, I had severe nausea. I couldn’t eat or drink. I threw up anything that I tried to eat, even water. Everyone around me advised me to eat for the baby’s sake. I was tired and couldn’t even tell them how hungry I was! I was starving. I was so damn hungry!
I had seen the worst during those two months. I saw my husband broken and helpless. There wasn’t anything that could make the situation better. I took the medicine for nausea but that didn’t work either. I cried for the most part of those two months because I was so damn hungry and I couldn’t eat a bit. If you haven’t deprived of food, you will never know what hunger means. It kills you from inside out. It sucks the soul out of you and leaves behind nothing less than a shadow of what is supposed to be you. I thought about dying. I was sure that the baby is not going to come out any healthier this way. I was giving up because that was all I could do to help me out of the day-in-day-out pain.
Finally, we terminated that pregnancy. I woke up pain-free. I ate without throwing up at the end of two months. Nausea, stomach pain, tiredness, they all left me along with our baby! I felt happy. And I felt guilty, having lost our first baby and feeling relieved because of the after effects it brought. I didn’t shed tears over that loss. But my heart kept weeping. No words could express what exactly I felt during those days.
After that my desire to have a baby, to hold mine in my arms kept growing. When I was pregnant with Kanna, I knew that it could get a lot harder. I knew what it could do to me. But I was willing to put me through that ordeal. Thankfully, there wasn’t any abdominal pain threatening to take the life out of me. I could eat though I threw up. I could eat. I was nauseated throughout the nine months. I threw up after giving birth to our baby. But I bet anyone will do the same after a labor that lasts for 36 hours!
As far as I know, I didn’t become a mother because I slept with my husband. Of course, that was the first step. But it was me, my ability to endure the hurdles that finally brought a baby in our lives. I couldn’t withstand the severity of pains, nausea, and hunger at the first time. Deep inside, I blame me for the loss, even though the decision was a mutually agreed one and arrived at after the discussions with the doctor and the weeks of torture that we had been through, emotionally and physically!
Not an August goes by without reminding me of those treasured initial days! Not an October goes by without reminding me of the last day of my unborn baby! My inability to bear the pain made me a mother of an unborn, dead baby. That is an ache that will stay with me.
So yeah, I couldn’t find the fun-ness in that message. Instead, it showed an outlet to all those memories stuffed deep inside me.
I don’t know if every other woman would feel the same way I did. But every woman who had a miscarriage, who had a termination, who had a difficult pregnancy, who had to monitor their blood sugar throughout the pregnancy by pricking themselves to make sure the baby’s well being, who had difficulty in conceiving, who had to go through treatment after treatment, might be able to resonate with me. And it’s okay if I am the only one who feels this way. I am a human, an emotional one. And I believe it is necessary to let the people know when their words, even if not intended that way, hurts me.
So yes, that funny message failed to make me laugh but succeeded in making me cry for more than an hour. It broke my already broken heart. I am not an overly sensitive person. But even a practical person like me have difficulty in getting rid of certain pains. Some aches are here to stay, I realize that!
Would you want to know if your words unintentionally hurt someone? If your harmless words act as a fuel to someone else’s fury, would you want to know that you did that? Would you take it as their bad because that wasn’t in your intention or would you stop by to ask the why behind the fury? Or are you the kind who hangs on to “if-only” after the harm is done?