It’s almost December mid. Another year almost ran its course and the next one is ready to pounce upon us. Year after year we say the same things, carry the same hopes, with maybe some slight changes in goals and plans, but in effect a new year is always welcomed as a reset button, though, there is no reset button.
2018 was not so good to me. Oh, that’s not right! I wasn’t good in 2018. I managed to squeeze my positiveness out and slathered myself with self-doubt and self-pity. It was unintentional though. But at this point, all that is left is a highly insecured person with dwindling hope.
Honestly, I don’t like this person. I wasn’t this person. I had high hopes for me and as it turned out nothing panned out the way I hoped for. It was my expectations that played the villain. Life is nothing but filled with learning at every turning, isn’t it?
My main problem was I didn’t feel productive. I didn’t feel that I was doing anything important and by extension in my own eyes I fell short. Not having a job or career significantly magnified my worthless in my own eyes.
If you think, now that I’ve figured out the problem, I have come up with a solution, then you are wrong. I wish! I know I have a blessed life. I know I am an able person. I know that my family can’t function if I disappear from the face of the earth. But those realizations aren’t enough. They are not helping me in turning around my outlook toward me.
I still don’t feel that I matter.
I do think and plan things to help me get out of this cage. The plans, the ideas – they help me, for a little while. And I feel sunshine again. But the moment I have to put those plans into action, I bail. All these years I’ve gathered so much of self-doubt inside my head that it has become impossible to do anything without that devil popping in on my every thought, every plan. And I never get consent from self-doubt to take action.
Why am I talking about all these here? Because I’m hoping that confronting the fear from all angles would somehow help me. Even my writing suffered this year. When I had something important to say, I squashed it from being heard. I believe that I effectively took part in diminishing my value by not voicing, not writing, not planning and not acting.
It’s easy to get into this trap and difficult to get out of it once you are in.
I don’t have any valuable takeaways to share with you today, other than that I am a work in progress. Have you ever been in a situation like this? How important it is for you to feel important in your own eyes? What do you do to tackle self-doubt and self-pity? Please share your thoughts.
Linking with #MondayMusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyaan.