It feels odd being here. It’s been too long since I had last wandered along these corridors to share something from my heart. Trust me, I tried. I wanted to share. But the mere thought of showing up frightened me. And I have no idea why. Even at this very moment, I am scared. Like I would spill the beans unknowingly, disclosing something unaware. What, why, how – those are good questions I have no answer to share.
Clearly, I am confused. Self-doubt really had me as its hostage. It feels like a betrayal trying to get away from its clutches. It’s like we had formed this unbreakable bond over these past months. Or was it years? Self-doubt was always around me. Watching my every move, following me diligently. It was uncomfortable when I realized the presence of this constant shadow that followed me everywhere. But as time passed I thought I was free of the shadow. Little did I know that the shadow had swallowed me completely. That, I became the shadow.
Can I escape? Can I free myself? I can’t wait for a knight in shining armor. This wait seems to be a forever one. I don’t have forever.
I feel like a broken record talking about self-doubt again. But it’s the truth. I am tired of how irrelevant I feel. My big ideas never materialize because the moment I sit to work on my ideas, it feels insignificant. More like a joke. A voice tells me ‘what are you doing? Why are you even trying? There is nothing you can do.’
The voice is so convincing that I stop even opening my laptop. I don’t like to put the blame on something else for my mistake. My mistake is giving space for this voice. Letting the voice tell me things I don’t want to hear. Letting the voice convince me that I am not good enough. Believing that the voice is true.
The invisible cage I am living in seems to get smaller as days pass by. It’s suffocating me. I am afraid one day I become invisible along with it, if I don’t try and break out of it.
So here I am trying. I still hear the smirk of the voice teasing me. But I am trying. It is hard to let my words find their place on this page when the voice blasts in my ears mercilessly. But I sure am gonna try to tone it down, and maybe to rid of it completely one day. Or maybe, I will find a way to make it a cue to go ahead and get all those things done that it tells me I can’t do.
Either way, it’s time to stand up to the voices that don’t serve me anymore.
Joining Esha and Shilpa for #SoulfulSunday..
I’m so so glad you stood up to shut those mean voices down and went ahead and wrote this post! I have to say I loved the honesty in your words and the fact that you persevered and published a post despite feeling uncertain. That’s the key to writing. Just get on with it no matter what the voices in the head seem to say. When in doubt, I always say to myself—’Come on, get the faucet to open and let the words flow so as to unclog all the muck.’ On most days, it helps!
You are right, Esha the same! The only thing I want to say is related to the idea of trying.
I read that the word ‘try’ and it’s not the only one, is a blocking one, because generates in our brain a duality and the impression that we do not trust ourselves enough to go on. It’s better to avoid using it. I think it’s an interesting idea that we have to observe. Could be useful in some moments!
Nice evening, Vinitha!
I’m so glad you took this phase like a champion! You have so much strength 🙂 Wishing you more of it!