If we were having coffee together, I would tell you how badly I missed you. I have been looking forward to talk to you for a long time now. And yes, I have been putting it off too. The reason, well, I don’t know! I have a lot to talk about, nothing important, but there is a lot that had been occupying my mind lately. Since I never got around sharing what burdens me, whenever I happen to talk to someone I share a tiny portion of it, resulting in leaving the listener perplexed. It’s like leaving behind a trail of puzzles. If those listeners got together and put these conversation bits together, only then it would make sense. Till then, they are just my jibber jabbers.
I have stopped sharing on Facebook too. No status updates. Not many comments either other than the occasional congratulations and birthday wishes. Other than that I hardly post a word, even when I have tons to say. I feel like my words and views don’t matter anymore. Facebook shows me memories from years ago, and let me tell you that I had been a talker. Earlier I used to share a lot of anecdotes, funny and thought provoking ;), from our lives. Now, whenever I find something to share with the world, before even I start to type a little voice inside my head asks, “why bother?” and I succumb to its banter and postpone my sharing attempts.
Truth is I don’t like what I am doing. I shouldn’t be thinking this much to put up a status update. If it makes sense or not to anyone else- why does that matter? I don’t write offensive contents, do I? Then why am I stopping myself from doing such teensy acts which might help me in some way?
What happened to me, I wonder! I don’t feel that I matter anymore. I haven’t written anything good in the recent past. All I did was to type my heart out and choose not to publish. I wrote poems and prose alike but for some reason, I didn’t want to publish them. And that didn’t make me happy.
I feel like a constant shadow following me, watching my every move. Under its watchful eyes, I am not to make any mistakes. It is trying to occupy every bit of me. The more I make an effort to distance myself from that shadow, the more close I am to it. No, I am not depressed. I am not wallowing about the bitterness of the past or stressing about the future that is hazy. I am busy, busier than I would like to be. I have tons on my to-do list which needs to be tended. Yet, I get into the clutches of “what’s the point!”.
Truth is we matter so long as we live. In fact, we matter even after we are not alive anymore. It is crucial not to feel bogged down by thoughts that could hurt us, that could result in i-am-not-important tantrums, that could snatch our happiness and tear it into pieces. But it is okay to feel bad too, isn’t it? Now, when we can’t pinpoint the reason for feeling low, then we have a problem, right?
I hope that this nagging feeling would go away just as how it found me. I hope that I would be able to share what I wrote/writing here without thinking too much.
If we were having coffee together, I would apologize for this rant, but I really appreciate that you decided to stop by and listen to me anyway. Now that I am all sorted(!), tell me how have you been? Why don’t you have another cup of coffee and talk a bit more? Tell me what do you do when negative thoughts start to creep in.
Linking with #ChattyBlogs hosted by Shantala.