June is here already. The first half of 2022 is running its last leg. How was your year so far?
My mind started forming these negative thoughts without my knowledge or permission and I felt a bit beaten down these past few weeks.
Over the years we all have accumulated certain beliefs and thoughts that unconsciously sneak into our present day. At times these sneaky thoughts succeed in flipping the whole day upside down, leaving us in a clueless state of confusion and chaos.
I was in this state of chaos and confusion for some time now. Maybe, it had been happening for quite a long time, but I wasn’t aware of it until a few weeks ago.
I caught myself questioning everything I did and everything I do. Nothing seemed relevant. Everything seemed to slip out of my hand. I found myself stripped of my identity so much that I couldn’t recognize myself the slightest. My likes and dislikes somehow became a thing of the past and I appeared to be only a ghost of what I used to be.
This realization was painful to bear. When I made adjustments to my circumstances, I hardly perceived I was leaving behind a piece of me. While I believe we need to adjust to the situation we are in, I realize that it doesn’t mean that we have to leave behind our whole self in that craziness. Once things are sorted out, go back and pick up that piece of you, you left behind. Keep yourself whole. Keep the option of keeping yourself whole a possibility. Even if you can’t be whole all the time, remember that doesn’t mean you can’t be whole in intervals when you don’t have to succumb to the needs of your situation. You can be yourself and be that dependable person as well. Keep you and all your pieces with yourself.
My greatest blessing is being able to talk to my friends about my concerns. Friends were always my safety net. So when I was grappling with this weird puzzle of how to reconnect with myself, I decided to talk to them. My friends were patient with my incoherent description of how I was feeling. Their inputs helped me pause and make some sense of what needed to be done. I realized that in the rush to make room for the uncertainties of life, I shouldn’t forget myself and my heart’s desires. Making room for others doesn’t mean kicking myself out of that room. I didn’t know how much I was changing from who I was just so I can accommodate everyone else around me and their thoughts. I don’t have to give up on what I want to do, however silly or magnificent that thing is, thinking about others and their acceptance.
Truth is, no one cares. Then why should we stop us from doing what we love to do? But as I said some beliefs and learnings from the past stick around and sneak in and tamper with our dreams.
I am making a deliberate effort to remember that I matter – my thoughts, my likes, my dreams – everything matter. I don’t have to always adjust by removing my self from the picture. Because without the self, there is no room for anything.
At this moment I am grateful for:
Friends who are there always. Old, new, far, near – doesn’t matter where you are. My friends hold a special place in my heart and I am grateful for them.
Writing Morning Pages every morning. I wasn’t doing this powerful activity regularly in the past few months. Last week I started doing it again and I can feel a fabulous change already. I am listening to myself. I feel less worried. I am seeking help when I felt the need to get help. Morning Pages enable you to be there for you.
Reading. My current read is The Listening Path by Julia Cameron and I am savoring every bit of that book. It talks about Morning Pages, Artist Date, and most importantly Listening. This book found me when I was in need of it.
Summer Holidays began last week. We already went on our first vacation trip to California and relaxed on the beach for three days. Summer holidays also offer a slow morning, which is relaxing. But my five-year-old often wakes up by 5:30 in the morning, forcing me to get up with him. I am getting an unhurried morning time these days, which is letting me write my morning pages, write a poetry piece or two, do yoga, and just enjoy the morning sun in its glory. I am grateful for the peace morning times shower with me.
Finding myself. As much as rattled I was with all the identity crisis and the thoughts that followed, I am thankful that I am getting to pause and reflect. This moment all I feel is gratitude for being me.