If we were having coffee together, I would tell you how badly I missed you. I have been looking forward to talk to you for a long time now. And yes, I have been putting it off too. The reason, well, I don’t know! I have a lot to talk about, nothing important, but there is a lot that had been occupying my mind lately. Since I never got around sharing what burdens me, whenever I happen to talk to someone I share a tiny portion of it, resulting in leaving the listener perplexed. It’s like leaving behind a trail of puzzles. If those listeners got together and put these conversation bits together, only then it would make sense. Till then, they are just my jibber jabbers.
I have stopped sharing on Facebook too. No status updates. Not many comments either other than the occasional congratulations and birthday wishes. Other than that I hardly post a word, even when I have tons to say. I feel like my words and views don’t matter anymore. Facebook shows me memories from years ago, and let me tell you that I had been a talker. Earlier I used to share a lot of anecdotes, funny and thought provoking ;), from our lives. Now, whenever I find something to share with the world, before even I start to type a little voice inside my head asks, “why bother?” and I succumb to its banter and postpone my sharing attempts.
Truth is I don’t like what I am doing. I shouldn’t be thinking this much to put up a status update. If it makes sense or not to anyone else- why does that matter? I don’t write offensive contents, do I? Then why am I stopping myself from doing such teensy acts which might help me in some way?
What happened to me, I wonder! I don’t feel that I matter anymore. I haven’t written anything good in the recent past. All I did was to type my heart out and choose not to publish. I wrote poems and prose alike but for some reason, I didn’t want to publish them. And that didn’t make me happy.
I feel like a constant shadow following me, watching my every move. Under its watchful eyes, I am not to make any mistakes. It is trying to occupy every bit of me. The more I make an effort to distance myself from that shadow, the more close I am to it. No, I am not depressed. I am not wallowing about the bitterness of the past or stressing about the future that is hazy. I am busy, busier than I would like to be. I have tons on my to-do list which needs to be tended. Yet, I get into the clutches of “what’s the point!”.
Truth is we matter so long as we live. In fact, we matter even after we are not alive anymore. It is crucial not to feel bogged down by thoughts that could hurt us, that could result in i-am-not-important tantrums, that could snatch our happiness and tear it into pieces. But it is okay to feel bad too, isn’t it? Now, when we can’t pinpoint the reason for feeling low, then we have a problem, right?
I hope that this nagging feeling would go away just as how it found me. I hope that I would be able to share what I wrote/writing here without thinking too much.
If we were having coffee together, I would apologize for this rant, but I really appreciate that you decided to stop by and listen to me anyway. Now that I am all sorted(!), tell me how have you been? Why don’t you have another cup of coffee and talk a bit more? Tell me what do you do when negative thoughts start to creep in.
Linking with #ChattyBlogs hosted by Shantala.
Don’t worry, just do what makes sense to you. There is no right or wrong in most of the situations. You know all this already ☺️
Good to see your update after a while.
Deep breath in and exhale. Right? Glad to see you here, Alok. Thanks for the visit. ?
Vineetha, I have also not written for a long time. I think since our last challenge, I have not written a word. But, in the real world, I am super busy attending to a million tiny things to ensure life goes on. But, I have also been indulging in some of my favourite offline activities. I am reading some classics and loving it. But, I don’t really feel like sharing it with the whole world. I guess it is ok. Nothing changes in the world. I guess, sometimes we really need the nudge that a challenge and a deadline brings. Then we will write with a frenzy. Is the next cup of coffee ready?
That’s why I participated in the challenge last time despite the busyness. That push helps to set some time apart to write and post and to read and comment too. I was getting the hang of routine but then got sick throughout the month of November. All those formed a strong barrier between me and the world. Anyway, I am glad that I decided to publish my rant. ?
Good that you could vent. Sometimes that’s the best thing to do. Get it all out and you’ll feel a whole heap better! Plus you have a new post that many will identify with! Have a great day. Enjoy Christmas every day. Guest post by S.African author, Dalene Reyburn.
Yes Shirley, I finally managed to vent. More often it feels like all I’m doing is venting and that thought forces me to stop from talking at all. Obviously, it causes negative ripples within me, result of which isn’t good. I’m happy that you stopped by to listen to my rants, Shirley. Thanks a lot. ?
I can understand. We all go through the phase where we think that what we do/write/share is meaningless. And I guess that if I was not working in the online space, then perhaps I would have disabled my social media accounts. I would say, just do what feels right to you. Some days it is not sharing, other days it is oversharing.
I feel like I need a detox to empty my mind and start over fresh. But that’s not possible, is it? I stopped sharing on FB without even realizing that. Some meaningless conversations and brickbats (Not about me) which I happened to chance upon forced me to think twice before posting, which resulted in no posting at all. Because on hand, nothing we share online is important, on the other hand, if we feel important enough to us everything we have to say is important. I know, I sound like an eight year old who understands things, yet not quite well. Thank you for taking your time to read through my rants, Rachna. Means a lot to me. ?
Someone long back said “Writing is an expression”. It is so true! No matter what, whether you decide to share your views and thoughts or not, do not quite writing them down! It doesn’t actually matter whether you are social or not, all that matters is being true to yourself and understanding your own self better than anyone else! That can me achieved through writing. You can analyse your self and see what can be improved, do not miss out on that no matter what!
True, Keerthi. Writing helps in improving the self. Many thoughts that might sound thunderous inside our head wouldn’t be so threatening when written down, they become just pieces of thoughts that needed a paper to stick to. I get this feeling of being silly once I write my heart out. That’s why writing is therapeutic. Glad to have to you here, Keerthi. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. 🙂
Firstly, Vinitha! I’ve been missing you too! Missing your spontaneous posts, your rants, your thoughts and worries and funny quips! Please do not think you should ever apologise for your rants. Do it with aplomb! Friends are there to listen to you. I promise I am always around if you ever want a moan about anything. I have plenty of that too. And, dont think too much of anything. Just go with the flow. Write and share when you have something to say, anything at all. Unburdening yourself is like a catharsis! It is very therapeutic as a process and I highly recommend you start sharing your thoughts once again, through posts, through your poetry and through your photos! Just make a start. You will love it, I can assure you. And, so glad you wrote this post coz I was wondering why you’ve gone so silent. <3
I’m so so happy read your encouraging words, Esha. Once in a while I do get this feeling that words me down but this time it kept coming back. Right now I feel all is good but the next moment it could come back. I think I know the problem too. In fact, while typing on your Monday musings post I figured out the real cause. So yeah, thank you for being here, Esha, through your comments and posts, all of them are valuable to me. 🙂 I will get back to sharing my thoughts and poems. 🙂 <3
We seem to be sailing in the same boat, Vini! I too wonder where these feelings crop up from! In spite of being so busy, we have all sorts of feelings – bad and ugly – crowding our mind and driving us crazy! Is it just a phase we go through as we age? I hope so. I truly hope we overcome these phases and get back to our chirpy selves.
keep writing, dear, even if you don’t feel like publishing it on your blog. Just write. Maybe it will help relieve you of some of your anguish, as it did to me.
Hugs, my dear. You, too, can ping me whenever you feel like talking. I am a good listener, you know?
Take care! <3
I know, Shilpa, you are a very good listener and I treasure that. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t decide to blog consistently and if I failed to meet this awesome community. Half of these unpleasant thoughts are gone by blogging about them, the other half they would too, soon I hope.
Hope you are feeling better now, Shilpa? Will talk to you sometime soon. Take care. 🙂 <3
Am feeling much better, VInitha! And, am consciously taking just one day at a time, not thinking about tomorrow or the day after. Not thinking about others and their life and their achievements, but just concentrating on myself! 🙂
Thank you dear! I hope you feel better too!
I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Shilpa. We all go through such phases every now and then. It takes a while to pass but we need to find the strength to get past these things. Once the blues clear, we can see clearly and all the bright colors will begin to make sense.
I hope you feel better soon.
You are right, Soumya, everyone goes through such phases. And of course, we have the strength to pull through with patience and perseverance. Thanks a lot for stopping by Soumya. 🙂
Vinitha I missed you. I had been thinking if it was my folly that I have not been able to reach your blog to read your posts and for this week I had made up my mind to visit here and catch up on every post I had missed.
Coming to your post, I remember how both of us used to use the FB group to the maximum to post whatever we were feeling at the moment and then we stopped. My reason was too many people joined it and I became uncomfortable sharing stuff. But our blogs are our homes and we have a mutual relationship with our blog. Why shy away from writing your feelings here? If ranting on the blog can relieve some of your burden then why not? Life tends to get overwhelming at times and gives a sense of hopelessness, so it is okay to talk about it the way it is.
What I do when the voices in my head give me headache. I write down my feeling on FB with ‘Only me’ setting and leave it there. If the feeling and the voice continues even after a day or 2, then it means my mind needs a diversion, which may be a post about a happy memory or making an effort to write something of humour. The discussion that later ensues around such posts lifts up the spirits. Another important thing is writing is one factor which keeps me sane and Monday Musings does it even if the post is merely a compilation of my quotes from life.
I miss reading your poems. You should share whatever you have written.
Coming to your post, if you ask me it’s good that you don’t share on facebook… I share only pictures and blogposts. Sharing opinions and things that are personal is a little too much for a platform like facebook I feel. Not everyone understands. It’s ok to have these feelings…And I am sure they will pass too. Maybe you need a break from your busy life.
Hope you are bck to your cheerful self soon.
Oh dear! You seem to be having a bad case of the blues. Don’t worry these days will also pass because nothing lasts forever – not even the bad days. So do have that cup of coffee and warm your hands and just wallow in your inertia……….eventually you will get energised and find your enthusiasm return. Good wishes to you and yours for Christmas and the New Year
Yep, this too shall pass. I’m feeling better now. Just that I wish I would do all that I want to do without reservation. Thanks for the wishes, Sunita. Wish the same to you and your family. ?❤️
Follow the beat of your heart and if thats telling you to lay off, then just do! Why bother with thinking so much over it! On an aside , its prefect to disconnect once in a while as sometimes I feel I am in front of an audience all the time; never mind that its me who has decided to be so!
Of late I find I am not posting anything personal on FB too; earlier I used to do it twice a day atleast! Either the phase of being on fb is over for me or I am just not keen to share anymore!!
Yes, that happens. In my case I haven’t shared much in the last three years. One reason is after seeing the ugly talks in FB I think twice before typing even if it is just a funny incident. And thinking twice prevents me from typing at all. Sometimes I just want me to be not that thinking just acting spontaneously person. Truth is I’m becoming this just thinking not talking person in real life too, which is clearly not working in my favor. Thanks for visiting, Shalini. ?
It’s okay to disconnect, to not be out there all the time. However, it is not okay to feel low, to feel that you do not matter anymore. That’s not true. And I’m sure you know that. I do understand that in one’s low moments everything seems all wrong. I do hope you get through this phase soon and I;m glad you did this post, I’m sure it’ll help.
Just do what matters to you and what feels right for you! Hugs!
Vineeta, I understand how it feels to be in low phase. But, i come out of negative thoughts by my hobbies. Recently i started Zentangle and when I draw it is very relaxing and I forget everything around. Travelling makes me relaxed too. Leaving kids with husband, shopping with your friends is relaxing too :-p Try it. you will feel better 🙂